So we buried my wife's uncle today... and it struck me again how excruciating a Jewish death is. First of all, upon hearing of the death of a close family member or even a close friend, you say "baruch dayan ha-emes" and rip the lapel of your shirt. Mirrors get covered, razors and makeup are put away, the telephone is unplugged and the drapes are drawn. Then there's the funeral itself. The eulogies are always so emotional and then a cantor sings "El Maleh Rachamim", which is the most excoriating piece of music ever composed. And you can't leave the gravesite until the coffin is completely covered with earth. Men who have lost their fathers say the Kaddish, and there's always one kid whose father died young and is reciting the Kaddish in his unchanged voice, lending a heart-rending reminder of the pervasiveness of death. Even the expressions of sympathy are painful. Goyim say "my condolences" or "i'm sorry" and give a hug. Jews say "may omnipresent G-d comfort you amongst the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem", which takes for ever and offers no comfort whatsoever. Then there's sitting shiva. It's the most excruciating experience possible, whether you're a mourner or a comforter. You go to the bereaved's house and the rooms are dim and everyone sits on low stools and makes stilted conversation. You're not allowed to laugh, or make jokes or lighthearted conversation, or even smile. You eat eggs and lentils and beans, and you hear "hamakom y'nachem et'chem b'toch shar avalay Tzion v'Yerushalayim" a hundred times, and every hour or so the widow of the deceased rips her sleeves and beats her chest and falls down and screams. And three times a day, ten men come to the house and put on prayer shawls and say the Kaddish and someone sings that plaintive El Maleh Rachamim, three times a day for a week. When I go, chas v'cholilleh, I want my family and friends to get together and remember me, say my favourite poem and sing my favourite songs, and then go have a party and celebrate the fact that they're together and still have each other.
Sorry for you and your wife's lost Zaphod. You and your wife's family have my prayers. I remember reading a book about a Jewish death among other things called "The Color of Water," which was a great book IMHO. Isn't shiva sometimes called shat shiva, if I remember correctly?
Yes, I'm sure it was, sorry to hear about your wife's Uncle by the way I guess that's their way, God bless them for keeping their traditions alive, as a Mormon, I can really sympathize with their belief in traditions and the persecution both our ancestors have had to endure for what we believed in. I have great respect for them, and have studied a lot of the Old Testament in my Church's seminary and institute. Thanks for the information about it, I learned a little more about the Jewish faith
Yes, it's sometimes called sadat shiva (or shat shiva, depends on your accent). "Shiva" means "seven" in Hebrew and refers to the length of time that this painful experience is to go on... then the "shloshim" (thirty days) mean you go about normal business but you don't go to parties or weddings or celebrations, and you don't drink except from the Kiddush cup on Sabbath. It was very, very weird to see my wife's uncle (the deceased's son) in a cemetery. They are kohanim (descendants of the priestly class) and as such are forbidden to be near a corpse or in a cemetery unless it's their immediate family. It was another reminder...
Thank you for enlightening us on the Jewish faith. It is very interesting, since I am taking a class where we are currently covering Judaism and Christianity.
Sorry to hear about your loss. Interesting discussion though. Being raised Jewish (Very Reform) but not really practising, for a myriad of reasons, I find myself about as educated about traditional jewish ceremony as my non-jewish friends and family. (My wife, and thus her family, is Catholic). Now that I have an infant son though, I do feel it is my responsibility to research and relearn what I knew at one point, way back when. The miracle of Hanukah, The celebration of Rosh Hashanah, The importance of Yom Kippur, The meaning of Passover and the Joy of Purim. And while I agree that it is important to be cognizant of one's traditions, I'm not so sure how healthy it is. I mean, isn't the pain and sorrow of just losing a loved one sufficient punishment without inflicting additional pain in the name of tradition? My father passed away 2 years ago. He was 57. Died of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and end stage Emphysema after 40 years of smoking cigarettes. (Quit now while you still can. He actually quit about six years earlier but the damage was done). Anyway, I can assure you it's not a pleasant way to go. Spent the last two months of his life in a hospital bed. Basically, you suffocate to death over a period of years. When he died, the pain was unbearable. Still is in many ways. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need religion (guilt) to make me feel worse than I already do. More than 1500 people showed for his memorial. We had a "shiva-like" event for a few days (no boxes to sit on, or covering of mirrors). People laughed, told stories about my father, ate food, and for a few hours, you were able to have fond memories instead of the deafening silence and the knowledge that your father was gone way too soon. Put another way, I didn't need to deprive myself of anything in the name of religion or tradition, because I had already been deprived of one of the most important things in a son's life, his father. Not passing any judgments here. Plenty of people still find joy, comfort, solace, in strict adherance to religion. Just as plenty of people use it as a weapon to put down others outside their chosen faith. And then there are those of us, myself included, that pick and chose what aspects of their faith they feel are important. Just putting in my 2 cents. Thanks for a thoughtful topic though.
Sitting Shiva isnt meant to be a 'punishment' its meant to be a time where everyone can gather and remember all the good memories. There are (at least at the few I have been to) people laughing (yes in a saddened light) but it brings some comfort to see all these people who cared about your loved one. while 7 days is a very long time, it also makes it so the widowed or ones who are hit the hardest arent really ever alone for the seven days that follow. I mean I am very far from being a religious jew but I feel that people do find comfort in traditions and in this case its a tradition thats meant to bring more comfort to the people who are affected.
I straddle two traditions (the Jewish, and more Orthodox than Reform, and the Catholic)... so I see both sides. When my grandmother died three weeks ago, it was very different. There was much less wailing and we all got together and got revel in the fact that we have a large family and have each other, whereas the shiva is very mournful. I don't know that either tradition, or even the Tibetan tradition of hacking the now-soulless body to bits and throwing it over a cliff, are "correct". I suspect that grief will run its course no matter what traditions are associated with death in your culture. I had a Lubavitcher neighbour when I lived in New York who died at the age of 48, alav ha-shalom. (For those who don't know, "Lubavitchers" are the folks who run the Chabad houses, who dress like the Chasidim with the hats and the arba kanfes with the strings coming out their shirts, and they nearly always have beards and payess, those curly earlocks.) That was far and away the most painful funeral I have ever seen. His wife kept wailing and trying to throw herself into the grave and screaming "oyf mir oych geven, der leben iz geven a tsurah, oyf mir oych geven!" ("may it happen to me too, life is but pain, may it happen to me too!") and had to be physically restrained at all times. She wouldn't eat, would only shout in Yiddish how she should have been taken too, muttered tehillin (psalms) constantly, and followed him two months later, so it had to be done all again. His sons (called in Yiddish "Kaddishelech", meaning "the ones who will say Kaddish for me") went through the ritual twice in two months but their true grief was expressed in private... we would hear the crying through the walls at night after the shiva-sitters had all gone home. I think it's seeing such abject, naked grief that makes it so hard to go through. I will agree with orioles150 that sitting shiva is meant well, to make sure they're not alone, and sometimes (see above) that is really required. Attending a funeral and sitting shiva with a bereaved family are considered major mitzvot (good deads, the opposite of aveyrot, or sins).
My condolences Zaphod, it is really great to receive some in-depth background on Judaism. My World Religions course here at my college went to a Jewish museum here in London a few weeks back and being able to see all of the religious artifacts gave a deeper understanding than what you read in a textbook for example.
Have you been to the concentration camps in Germany or Poland? One of my teachers in high school went, it was quite a sombering experience from what she described, really makes you appreciate and understand the hardships and persecution the Jews went through in WWII. Our church has a film out about our history and persecutions, "Legacy", they show it on Temple Square in SLC and it's on DVD and Video, really makes me appreciate all the hardships and persecution my ancestors went through, a Legacy that truly lives on, like the Jewish Faith, we're tough, can't lick us that easily I hope we can have more threads like this, where we learn more about the world and each other
I actually have been to some of the concentration camps when i was younger, since I was pretty young I didnt quite grasp what exactly I was walking through, but even at a young age it was a 'sombering experience'. Has anyone been to the Holocaust Museum in DC? Its an amazing museum that everyone should try and go see at somepoint (especially if they are ever in DC). I remember one room in particular where its just shoes all around you, just everywhere around you is shoes and you a little confused go to read what exactly you are looking at only to find out they are all shoes of people who died during the holocaust. It was really quite powerful.
I'm sorry for your family's loss. I lost my grandmother in February of last year and her funeral was on my birthday. Everyone kept saying how sorry they were that I had to mourn and be at a funeral on my birthday but it actually wasn't that bad. The entire side of my Mom's family was together for the first time in I don't know how long and I think it would have made my grandmother happy to see us all together. Sure it was sad but also very comforting to see my family together again. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.
No not yet Mike since I plan to travel around Europe once I graduate in May and settle in Germany. But it's on my agenda.
